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For those of you who have been wondering about my statuses on Facebook and Myspace I choose to inform you all here. In an earlier blog I told you about my mother. It depresses me to see her going through that. Such a strong woman beaten by such illnesses makes me wonder if my troubles are any where near what she is thinking in her brain ( if she even is). I have come to find out today that after three weeks of being in the hospital that her heart is not getting any better. She now was diagnosed with a heart problem that could possible cause blood clots which could lead to a stroke. So that means she will not be able to return to her home but instead she will be going to a nursing home unless things change dramatically.

I have gotten to the point that I choose to go up to see her at night when I will not have to bring my children cause they do not need to see their grandmother like this. Also I find myself realizing that another reason is cause no one will be up there as far as family. A family that was already torn apart for many reasons is being ripped further away cause we all want different views for her continuing care and can not seem to put our differences behind us.

I find it more disturbing that I am pushing the few people that truly love me away. I am back on my destructive path but today I am going to fight to put a stop to it. Many of you that knew me back in high school know of this path. I was mean and cruel to many and at the time did not know true friendship. I didn't care about myself or others! Let me say now that I am truly sorry for the things I did back then and pray everyday for your forgiveness. Not out of pity for what I am going through but because I have learned what it means to love. This wonderful husband of mine and dear children have tough me a valuable lesson in life. I guess that is why I am fighting my ill mannered ways of the past. I tryed to push my husband away and thankfully realized what I was doing before it was too late. I guess the one good thing is that I would never think of doing this with my children. Even with everything that I am feeling they are the few things that can still put a smile on my face.

It will be quite a battle for my mother. One I am praying she has the strength for. It will also be a battle for myself to try and fight pushing everyone away. Even now all I want to do it delete all of my accounts and lock myself in my house. Especially as I read more about the illnesses that our threatening our country. I simply have to remember that GOD will not hand me any more than I can carry. He will lift me up onto his shoulders during the really tough times and in the end I will learn a lesson that he is trying to teach me.